lovelieladie (lovelieladie) wrote in writers_in_dark,

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That age old question....

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened.... had I gone the other way. Would he have raped me? Would I have killed him? They say everything that is meant to happen, does. Are some of us "meant" to be tortured forever? 

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened.... had my mother not chosen chemo therapy. Would the Mexico treatment have worked? Would she still be here today to answer my phone calls? Would she have suffered as much as she did? If she only knew how much I miss her...

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened... had I not swerved to miss that dog. If I were not speeding. If that truck had turned the other direction. Would I have ended up in a coma? Would I have died multiple times? Would I be in so much pain today? It's hard to say. 

"What if?" - that IS the question, isn't it? 

What if I DID go the other way and he never laid a hand on me? I wouldn't have shot him. I wouldn't be living with the guilt of what I did... no matter what he deserved. 

What if Mom DIDN'T die and she were still here today? My life would be so different... better? Of course "better." 

And What if I wasn't in my accident? I wouldn't have died. I wouldn't have to deal with the voices and visions. I wouldn't be in this much pain. 

But again - they say everything happens for a reason. Hmmm.

So my dear reader... I leave you with that question of "What If?" What if you weren't sitting here reading some random persons late night thoughts? And what if I weren't writing these thoughts down... screaming, "I EXIST." That's all LiveJournal is, isn't it? Another way for us to beg the world to notice our existence? 

Noticed or not. We are here... and I hope you are feeling better than I...... 
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